The non-sexual marriage. #1 Asexual

Asexuality becomes something to consider when a marriage has never been sexual or stopped being sexual very early on. (Of course some of the other reasons for non-sexual marriage which I raise in the related posts may apply instead.)

According to Wikipedia:

Asexuality is a sexual orientation describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction. Asexuality as a human sexual orientation has only been recognized and defined in a few academic studies since the 1980s, and a community of self-identified asexuals has only coalesced since the start of the 21st century, aided by the widening popularity of online communities. Studies have placed the incidence rate of asexuality at 1%.
Note that asexuality is not the same as celibacy, which is the deliberate abstention from sexual activity; many asexuals do have sex, and most celibates are not asexual.

An asexual person may identify as hetero-, homo-, or bisexual, and may have romatic feelings, but only of an affectionate kind.

It can happen that one spouse is asexual has been chosen for that very reason. For example, a woman who is either sexually repressed or afraid of sex may ‘choose’ a sexually safe man – one who is homosexual or one who has no sexual drive.

Truly asexual?
Given that asexuality is very rare it can’t count as a satisfactory explanation of every asexual-looking person one encounters. And perhaps not even for all those who claim it.

There are several things to consider before deciding that someone (oneself) is asexual.
1. Is is an unconscious cover for psychological difficulties?
2. Is it the result of hormone deficiencies?
3. Is is a conscious or unconscious cover for homosexuality?

47 Responses

  1. Could this be covered under Dr. Carne’s Sexual Anorexia profile?

  2. barabara – I’ve just had a quick look and my immediate response is no, they’re something diffrent.

    Sexual anorexia seems to be strenuous suppression of something that is constantly threatening to emerge. I imagine such a person would see sex everywhere and try not to look, disapprove, etc. (but we might suspect that the impulse is really an internal one which he or she can’t live with).

    Asexuality, apparently, is no sexual interest whatsoever. Such a person wouldn’t be that bothered by sexual content surrounding them.

    The strength of the anorexic’s aversion is the tip-off.

    And then there’s sexual witholding – this is passive aggressive and something else entirely. It is a two-person phenomenon – i.e. done to punish another person (unlike the two above).

    But I’m no expert on sexual anorexia. Let me know if you find a different view.

  3. my therapist expressed that she believes my STBX NH is a sexual anorexic.

    I believe he’s asexual at this point. He not only has no interest whatsoever, he rages at the suggestion of any sexual contact.

    Still confused but thats ok.

  4. I connected to the passive aggressive approach/explanation.
    But. this MAY be just an observation from someone who really has experienced “positive responses”. Good luck in this approach.

  5. It is just a small percentage of people in sexless relationships that are truly asexual.

    In sexless marriages more often it is the case that the partner who doesn’t want sex simply doesn’t want it with his or her partner but may be open to other partners or perhaps cybersex or porn and masturbation.

  6. My Husband has not had sex with me in two years. At first were very engaged, but since I never had an orgasm, I expresse some mild dissatisifaction. Although I enjoyed myself, I didn’t see fireworks at the end of it. Slowly but surely, we have stopped having sex altogether. He pulls away from me if I try to initiate anything, but he has no objection to cuddling. I have broached the possiblity of him being gay or interested in someoneelse, but he denies all these things. Could it be that he is asexual, or that I offended him early on?

  7. Hello Cory
    Gay? Possibly, but unlikely. More likely he is hurt about your being not orgasmic. This is the male equivalent of a woman wanting to be found attractive by her man – an orgasmic woman is how a man knows that he pleases his woman. I strongly recommend couples therapy as this kind of sexual conflict can white-ant everything else.
    All the best.

  8. My daughter has just informed me that her marriage of ten years is completely without intimacy and sex. She says she makes advances and is rejected. The sex was always sparce but it is now two years without even touching.

    She is 44 and he is 46. We were stunned with the news because they have a wonderful relationship laughing and doing things together. My daughter says they are each others best friend but she has reached the point where she needs physical contact. Is there any hope for them?

    • There’s hope – but it must be addressed. Given that they haven’t managed to do so together I strongly recommend couples therapy.

    • Madeline – I am your daughter’s age and I am in a sexless marriage (15 years). We have no children (obviously!). My husband and I are verbally intimate and he is a wonderful companion and partner – our marriage is perfect except for this very huge area. He will touch me but it is in a non-sexual way (cuddle, hold hands, etc.) I cannot imagine that your daughter does not feel highly emotional about this and probably has experienced the range of emotions that the rest of us in this situation have gone through – basically the five stages of grief. Wish I knew her as we have a lot in common and no one really understands this except someone else going through it. Sounds like her husband is asexual. There is a website for this AVEN. Couples thearapy, in my opinion, will not help. The best thing she can do is seek therapy herself inorder to learn to deal with her own reaction to the situation. She will not be able to change him.

      • Hello Rainy – Thanks for this generous letter. I’d just add that a hot potato like this in a marriage may well require couples therapy. It sounds like I’m doing a hard-seel, doesn’t it! It’s just that, like you, I believe very strongly that this is/becomes a couple’s issue.

      • Rainy! I would LOVE to speak to you about your situation. We are doing a documentary style project on HAPPILY MARRIED couples who are engaged in an ASEXUAL relationship. I would love to learn from you. Please contact me!

  9. I think I am asexual. I am a 56 year old woman divorced at my own will for 11 years. Being my age, I can get away with it without anyone giving me much of a hard time. But I occationally have some well meaning person trying to make me a date with someone or I will have some man seeming as if he may possibly be trying to suggest that he is interested in me. It would be so horrible if someone were to think that I would allow sex so I will quickly avoid anything seeming like it could go in that direction. That’s because I would just never be able to do that again. I had a good sex life in my twenties, thirties and half way through my forties. I am not in bad shape. I wear my clothes well, even my jeans. I take care of my skin and wear makeup as if I’m on the prowl for a mate but I just like to do that. I’ve been told by many people that I don’t look my age. This is not a case that I am asexual because I have no choice because “I am over the hill”. I became this way the last two years of my marriage but I did not hold back myself from my mate and I carried on as if everything was the same but I found it repulsing. He had an affair and really, I never shed a tear. I had the excuse I needed to get out and I did. I have 3 grown children and I’ve had my past sexual experiences which were wonderful at that time. Then now about thinking it’s hormonal; I had a hormone profile done five years ago because I went through menapause at 48 years old. My hormone level was as it should be. I have a lot of hugs and kisses in me that I would love to share with a mate but my past experiences have taught me that no matter what they say, they will ask for it. When I see happy couples kissing and hugging, it doesn’t make me unhappy. I always feel happy for them. However, it’s not for me and I don’t want it to be for me. I just don’t want sex. But I do feel lonely because I wish that I had a mate just to do things with.

    • Thanks for this, Patella.

  10. I believe my wife is asexual. We have been married many years and she has never seemed to have an appetite for sex. We have gone as much as a year without sex and it has placed a lot of stress on our relationship. Now I have lost all sexual interest in her and it is now I who cringes at the rare suggestion of physical intimacy.
    I know that while she has no interest in sex she misses my advances which I can no longer bring myself to engage in. We love each other and hug and kiss but there is no sexual passion from either of us.
    Meanwhile I do not know what to do with my sexual energy which still rages.

    • This will sound corny, but its the truth – each partner in a couple is responsible for 50% of the couple-life. Its just that one’s issues seem more pronounced at any one time and so becomes the designated patient. My guess, anger, resentment, embarrassment, hurt feeling, etc. – all these are getting in the way. I.e. it may be that sexual attraction is not the problem, other (co-owned) hang-ups are. Indeed, stolikng the sexual flame may be the solution!

  11. My therapist has told me I live in an Asexual marriage. My husband hasn’t wanted sex with me for nearly 20 years. The 1st 5 years he was fine but since then he hasn’t shown any type of emotional or sexual advances towards me. He doesn’t stray from the marriage at all. He’s very predictable – he just doesn’t want sex. We don’t hold hands or even cuddle and forget about hugging me, that’s out too! We will be married 25 years this month (Aug, 2010)…..I will not leave him but I am dwindling fast!

    • Yes, the relationship is asexual in that there’s no sex happening (I’d call it non-sexual). But a man who has been able to have a good sexual relationship for 5 years is not an asexual – someone who has never had any interest in sex. There’s something emotional/physical going on, would be my guess. If he’s interested in principle in having a sexual relationship he might get his testosterone levels checked (with a Wellness doctor) – it is easy and safe to supplment. If he’s not interested then there’s something emotional going on which therapy might help with. Again, this will only work if he’s motivated to change things.

  12. I am writing a book on the senior single scene called Cold coffee and no crumpet. I find it tragic that many widows turned the departed into Holy Ghosts and the wives of male friends expect their husbands when the women reach a certain age to become asexual. A mate would have to wait till his wife was asleep to watch porn movies on TV. “I am no longer intrested in sex; don’t touch me in that way!”

    • That is a very sad phenomenon. Therapy/psychoeducation might be helpful. I also wonder about getting hormones checked out by a wellness-oriented doctor.

  13. I am asexual. It might be of some interest to your readers to hear experiences from an asexual person. The label is something I’ve only discovered in the past year or so. I am a 30 year old woman, and I think looking back, something just never turned on. I had a vague sense of being different as a young teen when my peers started gravitating toward dating and learning about sexuality, and it felt completely alien to me. I had zero interest. I never desired a boyfriend, or girlfriend. I didn’t “get” any of the sexual discussions or explorations. I had no attractions to people, and didn’t understand why everyone cooed and fawned over one another so foolishly.

    Some people began to assume I was a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend, but I never desired a girlfriend either. At most, I did desire some soulfully intimate human connection, but it’s a genderless desire, and a non-physical desire. It’s more based on intellectualism and commonly shared interests and beliefs and enjoyment of spending time together and having similar personalities. I don’t mind some physical contact – massages are nice, holding hands, hugs, comforting one another, etc, but I don’t understand why touch has to turn to sex or why anyone would feel bad if it didn’t proceed that far.

    As a teenager, confused and trying to figure myself out, I pegged myself as bisexual but shy, because I genuinely liked guys and girls, but didn’t want to get deeply involved. I thought maybe I just wasn’t ‘ready’ and that eventually that would change.

    I never did change. The first time it really stuck me like a pin that I was truly very different was in college, when during a class, a professor listed the basic human needs, which included air, food, water, shelter, and sex. I immediately laughed and commented that sex did not belong in the list, that no-one ever needed sex, and you can imagine that the entire group balked at my suggestion. I was baffled at the extremely strong arguments against my comment.

    To me, watching and listening to sexuals is a bit like watching drug addicts. As a non-drug-addict, I know very well that drugs are not in any way necessary to a completely fulfilling life, but everyone around me seems obsessed with the drugs. For a long time, I always fought the urge to say to people, What is WRONG with you? Why are you so crazed over sex? It’s ridiculous! Just don’t do it. It’s not important! Why is it on your mind all the time? Why is it pivotal to your interactions with other people? Snap out of it!

    Kids would have sex or get pregnant and then say “it just happened,” and I was disgusted, because I couldn’t imagine someone would just not AVOID sex rather than get pregnant. Duh? Just don’t have sex. No babies. It doesn’t just “happen.” It’s not an entity of itself.

    I thought sexual desire was a choice that people made. I am starting to believe now that maybe it isn’t a choice that people make, that it honestly is something people cannot help feeling.

    I have had relationships, and sex, including one very long term relationship which was very sexual for a while, because I knew it was necessary to keep the relationship going, figuring it a sacrifice I had to make, but eventually I began harbouring resentment that I had to do this thing that was alien and vaguely abhorrent to me just to make someone want to be with me, and he cheated on me multiple times, and it finally ended. I never really minded that he slept with other people, but what ruined it was that he would develop emotional connections with the people he slept with, and he resented me for not really wanting to have sex with him.

    I was never abused or molested or anything, so my feeling aren’t due to some emotional trauma. I can even experience orgasm, so it doesn’t seem to be a purely physical issue. It’s just that I don’t care about it, it holds absolutely no interest to me. I don’t look at a person and find attraction to them, I only find attraction after I get to know them and determine whether their personality is interesting, or not.

    It’s, as I said, like drugs. Sure, a drug can feel nice, and though I may have tried drugs and enjoyed them, I would much rather just live my life without ever experiencing them again. And if someone tells me that a condition of their caring about me or wanting to ever spend time with me or partner with me requires me to have sex… then I feel like I am being forced to be something I am not. Like I am being forced to smoke crack to please someone else. It seems ridiculous and a waste of time and almost a rape, that you would force me to do something with my body that I really don’t want to do, and that it’s the only way I can prove I am committed. I can’t abide it.

    Take from that what you will. Asexuality does seem very rare so perhaps someone can glean some information from my perspective.

    In the meantime, I will remain single, or eventually find someone who doesn’t need sex, though I expect that will be like finding a needle in the proverbial haystack.

    • Thanks for your thoughtful contribution to the discussion, Jennifer.

      • Thanks, Nat. Besides being on the receiving end of social pressure to conform, do you see any downside to an asexual life?

    • I’ve felt asexual for most of my life, but never knew what to call it. During puberty/adolescence I would jokingly tell my older brother that I was asexual (since I read about plants and some animals that were) and he would always respond with a stern “that’s not normal! stop saying that! you have to date, you just haven’t met the right guy yet.”

      I was never socially awkward, I have a naturally flirtatious nature (or that’s what I’m told simply because i’m attractive, friendly and actually come off as approachable), I had plenty of short term boyfriends and an equal number of male suiters that never made it to boyfriend because quite honestly my desire was always to connect with someone on a mental level and love them through freedom and not ownership.

      My outlook to my friends and family has always been detached and unfeeling, pretty much making it seem like I was an alien! I don’t desire marriage and though I love and am great with children, I don’t desire any of my own. I’m 23 and have such a clear view of my identity now that I’ve learned that there is a 1% of the population that is in fact asexual while still being attracted to the opposite or same sex. I’m Christian and can finally breathe easy now that I know God has chosen me to be one of the few women that have been blessed with singleness. I dream of being a life coach one day so I know this journey and all my past life experience and experiences to come will be a blessing to others.

      I’ve had sex, I did it only to appease my curiosity, there wasn’t the drive to ‘jump someone’s bones’ because of who they were, was more of an experiment to see if I would enjoy sex, instead I enjoyed the closeness and felt the same sensation when the guy would just talk to me. Mental stimulation is the best stimulation for me.

      As for the sea of Asexuals that have made the blunder of marriage to a sexual person, I apologize on their behalf because that truly is selfish and unfair, but unfortunately a lot of people don’t spend enough time alone to truly get to know themselves. Our society and culture grooms us to be codependent leaving very little elbow room for much else.

    • Gosh, I could have written most of your message. Yet my situation is different as I´ve been married for almost six years with a two-year old daughter, and my husband is practically my first boyfriend so I didn´t know any better. Yet, almost everything else about our marriage is great except for this one aspect. We´re still finding solutions to this, like him getting a “second wife”.

      • That’s not a solution to the marriage – the opposite, really.

  14. I have been in an asexual marriage for almost 4 years. I married for the first time at 52, my husband at 54. As religious Jews, my husband and I did not touch before we were married. Before we became engaged, he candidly told me that he had never consummated his first marriage (of five years). When I asked why, he said that his wife ‘pushed him away.’ That was only half true. Since I’d heard that she had mental issues, I assumed he was being a saint in restraining himself. I believed that all he needed was a loving, willing wife and I married him. Immediately, I discovered that he was very different. Touching was difficult for him, hugging awkward and sex utterly unsuccessful. All physical activity was awkward and without any feeling. I was devastated. We went through all the physical tests, testosterone treatments, viagra, etc…all without success. But there was nothing wrong physically. We then went to couple’s therapy with a sex therapist for a YEAR. In the end, the therapist concluded that ‘there was no magic pill to make my husband desire me.’ My self esteem plummeted to the point where I couldn’t make any money…couldn’t ask for money because I didn’t feel worthy of anything. My husband works in a very low paying position and we can only pay the bills if I work also. We went through a very difficult financial period until I found a great therapist to help me cope with my situation. Thank Gd, I was able to regain my self confidence and get meaningful employment. My husband is a sweet, kind, good man who never complains and never gets angry. He looks and acts perfectly normal socially. He has a wonderful family who loves me. The various ‘wise women’ I have consulted have all counseled me to stay with him…because at my age, it’s the best situation. At least I have a good companion. I’m not alone. From reading this site, I’d say he’s definitely asexual. Never desired sex…ever. Never been attracted to anyone. I honestly don’t think he’s ever had a sexual feeling in his life. He’s been terribly unfair to the two women he married, myself included. But I truly don’t think he did it to be selfish or unfair. I think he was utterly clueless about his own nature and other people pushed him into it. Do I feel anger, resentment, hurt, frustration? Oh yeah. But not so much anymore. Still, I wonder what kind of long-term emotional and physical toll this marriage will have on me. Spiritually, I believe we each have our soul corrections to do and that’s why we’re together. Only Gd knows the accounting for why we have to go through what we go through. I hope this post will be of help to others. Thanks for providing this forum to share.

    • Thanks for this sad, beautifully told story, Linda.

      • This is such a painful (an not uncommon) story. One thing I agree with Dr. Phil about is: one doesn’t just GET a divorce, one EARNS it. In other words, we shouldn’t throw relatinships away (after all you enter the next relationship as the same person, attracteds to the same type of person…). Having said that, living non-sexaully is not on either.

        This needs confronting – you only have one life and you claerly want to live it!

        I can see two possible solutions. 1. Couples therapy – because these situations only appear to be one person’s doing, they’re not. This can be challenging for both parties, but can clear away debris and reignite the flame (to mix metaphors). If you go this way it helps to have a determined positive agenda – we want to work on getting some oomph into our relationship (as opposed to – we want to see if this relationship can make it or not (don’t open that door prematurely.) 2. Sex therapy – this doesn’t delve into people’s psyches, but is behavioural – one has exercises of progressive non-sexual touching, etc. to build the desire. Why I mention this mode is because when people haven’t had sex together for some time (even months ) they are somethimes shy and this small thing leads to ongoing postponing of sex.

  15. I am 40 years old and my husband is 10 years older than me. We have been married for 11 years now. for the last 9 years we have not had sex, because he doesn’t want to. We had a very short period (maybe the first 6 months) of really frequent sex, but that slowly disappeared. I have to confess that when we were starting our second year of marriage, I felt desperate and I was sure we were going to get divorce and that he was cheating on me. So, I cheated on him. Anyway, we got an STD. We got treatment but since he denied any wrong doing, I denied it too. Actually after that, other things in our relationship improved, but the sex was gone. I have tried to talk to him, ask if he needs therapy or what can we do. He does not want to get a divorce, he is ok with just living like this. We are best friends, but every now and then I just want to get divorce. I can tell that he is interested in women, he likes porn websites, he touches himself. He just doesn’t feel attracted to me. I have a couple of friends that basically have the same problem with their husbands, in one case they have been together only 4 months. Men seem to lose interest very quickly for their wifes. In that sense, I don’t want to try to get in another relationship only to have the same problem a couple of years later. My husband is a pretty good person and I love him, but I am really frustrated. My guess is that he is not asexual, although I always felt I wanted more sex than he did. Please advise. Thank you so much for having this forum, and thanks to all the people that have share their stories.

  16. I’m asexual and sex is # 1 reason why I’m not getting married !!! Sexuals cant put their sexuality in the context of an asexual – I have no desire for sex and never will – marriage shouldnt be just sex or revolve around it

    • I agree with this first part of your commwnt, Kathryn, but there seems to be a contradiction between I’m not getting married because I’m asexual and marriage shouldn’t revolve around sex. If the latter is true, then the former doesn’t stand; if the former stands, the latter doesn’t fit.

  17. My husband and I got married in February (2012). We’ve been together 2 years altogether. I’m 22 and he’s 21. We were in a long distance relationship for a whole year and we worked really hard to be together so i felt blessed to have someone who waited for me. When he arrived in Australia we hardly ever had sex. Maybe every 3 weeks (even after not seeing each other for so long). Then it was once a month, and now we’re lucky to have sex every 6 weeks. He doesn’t masturbate very often (maybe once a month-maybe less). When we did have sex he would usually loose his erection. He hardly ever gets an erection in the morning, even if i try stimulating him in other ways, 9/10 he wont get an erection. I can stand completely naked infront of him and he wont be aroused. He could walk away in the middle of oral sex and it not bother him. I’ve got him to see a doctor 3 times about it and he comes back saying the same thing (‘its stress’). He’s been exercising regularly, he’s tried 2 types of pills (natural herbs and regular medication) and it hasn’t done anything.
    I’ve asked him several times if he’s homosexual but he swears he’s not and i believe him. Maybe he is asexual. I’m concerned as this is the age of his sexual peek. I’ve tried spicing things up. Reading the karma sutra, getting him to try different positions…but nothing seems to work. He doesn’t even talk about sex with his mates or with me. He just gets angry. I’ve been reading books about sex in marriage and how to spice things up. But nothing changes, NOTHING. I thought sex in the first few years of being together would be much MUCH easier than this.
    Please tell me what you think. Please help me.
    Thank you.

    • It may be that he has low testosterone. Get this checked out – not by a regular GP but one that deals with issues of impotence, etc. (in NZ its called NZ Men’s Clinic). Even if he’s not clinically low but just ‘a bit low’ he should insist on getting up to the high end of the range. This is does by three-weekly Sustanon injections or the equivalent.

  18. Kate, talk to him about it now. Ask for an arrangement in which you can have a boyfriend to meet your need for sex. He might surprise you with a yes. I am a sexual man with a closet asexual woman and I felt trapped for a long time until I ventured to talk about it and ask that I have a lover for sex. We are talking about it now – and she is being considerate.

    • Okimgeorge’s advice might work out well. Then again it may not.

      1. Kim’s spouse is a man and this matters. Men, even asexual men, are very shame-sensitive and such a conversation is (to a man’s ears) saying you-have-failed-as-a-man. It could get ugly. If the conversation was had in the company of a skilled therapist it might be engineered to something more palatable like: “OK, Pete, you don’t want sex but you love your wife; she loves you too but she does want sex. Can we figure out a way that solves this conundrum”. In this way the husband helps to come up with the solution and so feels like a man. (We’re wired this way).

      2. Having said that, Kate is a woman – CAN she have a sex buddy and not attach to him? Most women aren’t wired this way.

  19. I’ve been in an asexual marriage for 15 years. My husband is an asexual and hasn’t touched me in over 13 years. In the beginning of our marriage, we were very intimate, for almost a year. Then, he was done. It was like turning the water off. (a common M.O. among asexuals trying to nab a mate)
    We both had children when we got married, so I’ve waited for them to grow up. Now…I’m done. I hate him for what he’s done to me. I hate myself for letting him.

  20. After 15 years of being together, I had baby no.1 7 years ago, and ever since then, my husband has ‘gone off’ sex. We did have baby no.2 about 2.5 years ago and that’s when I tackled the issue. Nothing changed, so I started seeing a therapist who, given I don’t want to start an affair (that’s what broke up my own family), nor do I want to live like a nun, suggested a third way: I now see a masseur, who does sensual massage that can lead to full sex if I want – and I want! It’s given me the focus to assert to my husband that I love him, love our family, love our life, but that I do want a sex life and will have one, with or without him. I would prefer with him, obviously, but until he gets past my role as mother to our kids, I’m going to try another way. I’ll see how that goes…

    • Now that’s an interesting solution. A few of questions, if I may. 1. Do sensual masseurs advertise. How do they, and you, distinguish them from hookers? (I’m not judging, just asking. 2. Is this with your husband’s knowledge? 3. How do you (do you?) not get attached to the masseur, and if you do, how do you distinguish this from an affair? (Again, not judging, trying to understand.)

      • He came to my attention via my therapist – she had a friend who saw him. He says he works by word of mouth only, does not advertise.
        My husband does not know yet. I plan to outline my position during the holidays, if only because we won’t be ‘on the treadmill’ and will have space to reflect/discuss. In fact, the masseur (let’s call him that) has suggested that my husband might benefit from seeing me being sexual with someone else, if only to see me as other than mother of our kids. He’s done this kind of thing before, and in his experience, it brings things out of the impasse. This feels instinctively like a good possibility.
        In terms of attachment, I did raise this concern: my husband is the first and only man I’d ever had sex with and I’d felt until recently that sex could really only be good with someone you had an emotional attachment to, the corollary of course being that if sex is really good, you must love the person. Evidently I now know this is not the case, and I feel somehow freer. The masseur said that as an experienced therapist, he would be able to guide me away from any such feelings. I trust him to do so.
        And the one thing that distinguishes this from an affair is the fact that I pay for the massage – there is something purifying in an exchange of money. (I’d say the same about my therapist – she’s not my friend because I have to pay her.)

      • I might also mention that I have MS, which although currently in remission, and you wouldn’t know to look at me, is motivating me to enjoy my body ‘while I still can’. It’s *very* important to me that I enjoy all of my physicality.

  21. I might also mention that I have MS, which although currently in remission, and you wouldn’t know to look at me, is motivating me to enjoy my body ‘while I still can’. It’s *very* important to me that I enjoy all of my physicality.

  22. I’ve been married for 9yrs and my wife came home from our honeymoon pregnant with our first child and never wanted sex again until she wanted another one. I rejected her because i was angry that was the only reason she would. It was two yrs latter. i gave in and she got pregnant after one session and never wanted sex again. I couldn’t take it , i love her and think she is extremly attractive, but i couldn’t take the rejection anymore. We talked of seperation but agreed to work it out, but i needed sex.mind u this is six years since we last had sex. I talked of my needs , but she continued to reject me over the next two yrs we had sex three times. But we have gradually fallen apart. I deserve to have sex, i miss the touch of a woman, she has told me she thinks she’s asexual, At this point i don’t care, i am tired of masterbating, i ve been faithful to her and want nothing more than to be with her, but its not working and now, i have officially applied for a seperation. So if u ask me is it ok for a known asexual to marry a known sexual the answer is NO !!!!

  23. Wow. It never dawned on me that I would hear my story or parts of it coming from strangers. After 27 years of marriage I realize that he is asexual. It is not OK for an asexual to marry a sexual. But maybe they don’t know what they are until its too late and they are invested in a marriage. I think that’s what happened in my case. We started off very sexual, first three months of cohabitation were bliss for me. I knew he was the one and vise versa. We were perfect. Us against the world kind of thing. Then, he shut me down. Suddenly. And I was confused but we were committed to each other so where was I going? No where. You don’t give up on someone you love because of a little thing like that. That’s how I viewed. it. He was stressed over money, career, decisions on where to live. I waited and I was the supportive loving partner. I was also rejected, and embarrassed but I never told a soul. A few times I gingerly brought it up, asking if he would consider it was something that may be important enough to work on. How dare I ask for more. So I shut up. I turned over. I cried in my pillow. He never noticed the swollen eyes, never apologized, never gave me a reason. The few times we had sex, I think it was out of pity. I was grateful and thought, “This means things are getting better!” Then another year would go by. And another. 3 year stretches. 5 year stretches. In between, pecks on the cheek, stiff hugs, forced hand holding was all I got.

    On the outside people thought (and still think) that we were the happiest luckiest people on earth. We were supportive, respectful, loyal, intelligent, child free (I had some med issues but the real reason is we never tried-well once for 3 months. OMG was that ever awkward and sad). So the years go by and I keep shoving my desires further down. I gain weight. I feel ugly, sexless, genderless, undesired, lonely yet never alone. 27 years of support and caring on both sides. All the good stuff a marriage is supposed to be yet I am dieing inside. And I hate the fact that my physical and sensual self has been starved to death. Then about 4 years ago a switch occurred in my brain. Can’t even say what it was. Maybe approaching the late 40′s did it. What am I waiting for? Things aren’t going to change unless I change them. But I still needed to know some stuff. Am I sure its not me? I lost weight, got healthy, started doing more things independently, remained supportive, always loyal, patient, kind, understanding. Transformed myself to the best me I have ever been. It had little to no effect. It’s NOT me. I have my answer, but now what to do with it? Then an otherwise perfect holiday- all systems go. Mood is set, no worries, both in the best health of our lives. I get rejected, but still keep trying, gently, patiently. After all, this is the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. After a 2 minute attempt at pity sex I almost lost my mind. And he still didn’t notice my swollen eyes, my sobbing shaking body in the bed next to him. The next day he thought things were looking up. He tried again the next week. Another 2 minutes of awfulness. I was a trooper. All smiles, still thinking- maybe its me, he’s at least trying. But then like a ton of bricks it came to me. Huh! Now I was the one who was not attracted to him. That was the straw that broke it. I can not be married to someone whom I have no desire for.

    Weird. I never allowed myself to make a lack of physical intimacy a deal breaker before, because I always was hopeful that it would get better, if we just can get over this hurdle or that hurdle, next year, next summer, next holiday. maybe. It never came. Yet the SECOND I realized I no longer wanted him I knew my marriage was over. All desires for him had been starved to death. I will no longer be the buddy, the partner, the colleague, the manager, the pal, the room mate, the therapist, the sister, the friend, the financial planner, the housekeeper, or the repair man without being the lover as well. I am NOT afraid to admit to myself that i NEED the physical touch of the human that I love. I need to touch them, too. It is that important to me. It IS a deal breaker. So I am breaking the deal. And he is destroyed. He never saw it coming. I don’t hate him. But I cannot pretend any more.

    I am now the evil one, the betraying selfish, typical witch who manipulated and planned and cut him off at the knees. Its hard. Getting harder. Will get harder still. but I have begun the process of ending this so called marriage that I allowed to go on way too long. Funny, I don’t blame him. Not his fault. I enabled it. I smiled and said its not that important when it really was. 27 years of marriage and I am being very generous if I say we had sex 20 times. No kiss ever lead to intimacy. No kiss ever started standing up. No hug was ever more than something you’d give a family member.

    He is an awesome man. He did so much for the good of us. Worked jobs he hated, commuted, let me buy a house. We never fought. Day to day life was easy. I was loyal. Never even thought of cheating that whole time. He said he had chances, but never acted on them. On paper we look perfect.
    And yet, I’m done…

    So my advice is this. Speak up about what you need. If you don’t get it, don’t stay. If you can’t give it, don’t make them stay. Wants are nice but needs ARE deal breakers. They don’t disappear just because you pretend you don’t need them. It’s who you are.

  24. I have been married for 20 years and seriously think my husband is asexual…I have no idea what to do or how to handle it. We started dating when I was 19; he was 27. We were never as sexually active as I was in my previous relationship (I have only been with 2 people) but just thought this was a “mature” relationship. My husband had only been in 3 short term relationships before me; but only sexual in two. We were together for four years before we married and sometimes went weeks without having sex. This continued once we married and progressively got worse. I would ask him if he thought it was strange that we were not as sexually active as other couples and on three different occasions asked him if he was gay. Once we had kids, I didn’t think about it too much due to this major life change and lack of sleep, but it was always in the back of my mind. Today, the kids are older and more independent. The first long stretch was after we had our second child, we went 8 months. After that we would go a year or 2 and presently it has been 3 years. One of our few major fights was when he did not even consider being intimate when a relative had our children overnight. I know he is not gay…he doesn’t look at men or women. I don’t believe he has a fear of sex, it seems he is just not interested and has often had difficult time becoming aroused even when using viagra. He is a kind, gentle man that is an amazing father. I desire intimacy…I like to cuddle, hold hands, be touched and craze sexual connection. The little things are what have kept me going but now even they are gone. A few years ago I told him that this was not what I signed up for… I told him I wanted a husband/wife relationship not a roommate. There were lots of tears and he said he would try… he didn’t know why he had no libido…he went to the doctor and his testosterone levels along with everything were normal. We had sex a few times in a 6 month period, but that was it, now it has been 3 years. The last time I brought it up it was heart-wrenching, so I have been silent. I don’t know what to do…I am sad, lonely and feel emotionally drained. I have only shared small bits with my close friends. It is embarrassing. I do not want to live the rest of my life this way, but also don’t want to upset my kids lives or the family dynamics with their future families. My kids are everything to me…I am at a loss. Has anyone had a similar experience?

  25. Cialis gives him heartburn, Viagra gives him headaches. Testosterone gives him nothing, Heard every excuse in the world. Various ailments abound. I don’t even try anymore. When I did, he lay there and let me do the work. Never again. Not worth your dignity as a woman to fight this humiliating rejection. Funny, he does like porn when I’m out of the house. And 20 year old girls to flirt with. I just let it roll off my back. It took a long time to get to this point. I have come to the conclusion that sex is just not worth risking STD’s and making foolish decisions in regards to other men. Men are wishy-washy in regards to attraction, for the most part. Different is what they seek.

  26. Or perhaps the person has passive-aggressive personality disorder and withholds sex as a form of emotional abuse? While true asexuals exist (and RARE), personality-disturbed people who withhold to punish are more prevalent.

    There is a TON of data on this.

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