The non-sexual marriage #4. Married men who have sex with men

Married men who have sex with men – they’re gay, right? No so fast.

This post is the final in a series on non-sexual marriage. Strictly-speaking today’s topic is on the edge of the the main theme because some married men who have sex with men still have a sexual relationship with their wives. However, the matter is so complex and so often does accompany the non-sexual marriage that I’ll discuss it here.

An attempt at clarity
I’m not discussing men who are in an asexual marriage. Nor am I discussing married men who are homosexual – either closeted or unconscious).

The fact that I have argued for a category of unconscious homosexualtiy makes matters very tricky and blurry here: is the man straight or is he actually an unconscious homosexual? Each person can only be considered independently, but that’s why I have not subsumed this post under the one on homosexuals in marriage. (One ‘test’ a man might use to bring some clarity for himself is: Do I imagine/fantasise about having a proper relationship with a man, or don’t I?)

There’s the possibility, I guess, that the married man could be bisexual but I’m not going to make things even more complex here. Only to say that some people think that ‘so-called bisexuals’ are actually gays who can’t face up to it; some think that ‘bisexuals’ are the kind of people I’m discussing today – actually straight but have sex with men.)

I’m talking about married men who are straight and who more or less often engage in sex with men.

Larry Craig
By now every one has heard of the case of Senator Larry Craig who pleaded guilty to crusing an undercover cop in an airport men’s room, only to withdraw that plea saying, “I am not gay. I never have been gay.”

OK, the man is a politician so he may be out-and-out lying (i.e. he’s a closet gay). Or he may be lying to himself (i.e. he’s an unconscious homosexual). But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that he’s telling the truth. He is not gay and he has sex with men.

Wha’ happens?
It is surprisingly common, psychotherapists will tell you, for straight men to cruise public toilets, attend gay anonymous sex venues, etc. As the public now knows, there are all kinds of secret protocols and signs and places for anonymous, one-off sexual encounters.

Indeed, women are generally amazed that men actually do frequent (as opposed to fantasise about) sex-on-site venues which are pitch dark and where verbal interaction is actively discouraged – just sex. (It gives new meaning to the term ‘manhandling’!) Men, on the other hand, might disapprove, never do such a thing themselves, but they do understand it.

Safe sex
By the way, safe sex is not really possible at such a place. Even if man A wears a condom, man B who grabs him in the dark might not.

The lives – not just the marriages – of the wives of married men who have sex with men are at stake. Ostensibly straight men are vulnerable to picking up sexual diseases not because they have sex as often with risky partners as do many gay men, but because their denial of what they’re up to makes it unlikely that they’ll take precautions.

What’s that about?
There are several scenarios and rationalisations. If ever they do discuss their actions these men produce ‘good reasons': sexually frustrated in the marriage, cheaper than a prostitute, uncomplicated, easy…. It is important to see that these are rationalisations: cover-stories for deeper psychological issues.

Given the enormous risks he is taking one can appreciate just how insurmountable the emotions must seem to him. (Of course the risk of being discovered may be the point – ‘If this comes out it will ‘solve’ my current problems by making a different problem for me’.)

Here’s just one way it goes
A man has an emotional problem; he’s anxious, bored, guilty, ashamed, angry, upset, fiancial worries…. Instead of dealing with that problem, he temporarily soothes himself by having anonymous sex with a man. (Other people might soothe themselves with food, a drink, masturbating, etc.)

But he’s not soothed for long. Now he has a new emotional problem – he’s disgusted with himself, he’s frightened by how out of control he is, he is guilty and ashamed.

How to ‘deal’ with this new problem? Have anonymous sex with a man! If it wasn’t like this before, the sex now is valued in particular for its domination/submission. Why? Someone who is guilty/ashamed must be punished/humiliated, so he is the submissive partner. (Or reverses the roles and dominates the other.)

Now he’s really getting himself into a fix. The internal emotional pressure builds – doubt, self-loathing, guilt, shame, and (let’s not forget) excitement, etc. Matters seem insoluble. He is more and more driven to do exactly what is – if not causing – exacerbating his problems.

The danger and duplicity become part of the whole. ‘I am duplicitous because I’m a bad person.’ ‘I undertake risky acts because I’m bad and deserve to be caught and humiliated.’

Meanwhile, what is happening in the marriage?
Things are not right. The sexual realtionship has probably all but ceased because of his emotional knots and confusion and because she picks up that something’s amiss. (The sexual relationship may come and go in sync with the waxing and waning of his visits to the toilets.)

Or maybe the sexual relationship continues as before. Assuming that you agree with me that this marriage is ill, in a way the marriage furthest away from repair is this one where sex continues- because his ability to compartmentalise is so highly developed.

Comments?

37 Responses

  1. Interesting post. Thank you. I’ll have to look more into the possibly of “unconscious homsexuality”.

    • I am with that kind of man. I think he likes rough sex, to soothe himself, to think only of himself (that is with another man, actually, a much younger man, cute, toned, and maybe impressed by him). He is dominant. With me,he needs to be giving. He is affectionate outside of sex,, hugs me, touches me, takes me by the waist, the hand. I try to take the relationship for what it is.. companionship. He is romantic.. but there is a lack of passion in sex. However, I find that nothing is perfect, and neither are relationships. It’s not easy, cause I know he will always have his limits in intimacy, but I don’t take it personally, because I don’t think he will ever be really intimate with anyone. I wish we could be closer, but I have my family and friends.. and for companionship, I do have him.

      Your article is very interesting and I would like to read more about it. These men are not “bad” men.. They are difficult to understand though.

      • Mirelle, I agree that there are many ways to arrange a relationship. I do find myself wondering, though, about this complete seperation of things and wonder whether/why you can be satisfied with that – where’s your passion? These are deep matters. ‘Companionship’ sounds like friendship or being really good flatmates – that’s good but it is not the same thing as marriage, not even close.

  2. I am glad that I read your article as I am one of those married men who is contemplating exploring my sexualiy deeper with men. Up to now I have been with about 6 men over 11 years mainly mild sexual contact & have dealt wirh that guilt. I have gone years without acting on any desires that I have had but now these desires are growing.
    As much as the conflict about being a good family man & husband face me, my desires also face me. Not sure what to do but sometimes I need to be scared “straight” & do the right thing. Just suppress these feelings and get on with life and avoid the things that cause the temptations.

    • will you read my responce about my boyfriend and let me know what you think please???
      Tired and courious..

      • Hello there
        I have read your email (I won’t reporduce it publicly). Here’s what I would say – human sexuality is very varied and few practices on their own are obviously wrong. But for any particular relationship something can well be wrong. For example, if one partner insists on doing something the other doesn’t want to do and indeed continues to increse the intensity of it, then that is a concern for the relationship. It is a serious problem is a particualr practice is more important to a person than the mutual pleasure of sex with his partner. In short, I would say that your concerns are valid and need to be addressed. Couples therapy may be helpful – but only if both people are going to be honest. If, say, one partner is hiding something, it is doubtful they’re going to admit it. You’re in a tough spot – I wish you well. Think: is this the way I want to relationship to be in 5, 10, 20 years? And: how likely is it that its going to change?

  3. abuse help…

    […]The non-sexual marriage #4. Married men who have sex with men « The Top Two Inches[…]…

  4. I am in this position right now. My wife has no interest in sex and has had none for at least 5 years or more. I find myself watching gay porn and wanting to do it myself more and more these days. I am still in love with my wife, but sex with another man just seems like so much fun.

    • Hello, Jay.
      This is a (slow-burning) crisis in the marriage – you are growing further and futher apart in something basic to the relationship. I strongly recommend couples psychotherapy. Good luck.

    • Feeling the same feelings here. Thanks!

      • If you are unhappy in your marraige for any reason, please tell your wife and get a divorce. If you are into gay porn than you should pursue it and live the life you really want to live. Live honestly people~

  5. As a woman who was in a 25 year relationship and found out her husband was having random casual gay sex through Craigs List I am sickened. Any woman or man who cheats should end the relationship. There are plenty of oeople out there who are accepting of bi-sexual and open marraiges. If you had any dignity and would think without your dick, you would grow some balls and be honest about what you are and what you want. I read 10% of married men are having sex with men. My research on Craigs List, Man Hunters and other sites that I have researched show conservatively 30% plus men are having sex with other men that are living a heterosexual lie. I hope to write a book about it and I warn every woman I meet what the signs are and how to discover that their so called MAN is a monster. There are many websites out there for men telling them it is ok to have a family and live life as a fraud. They give a road map on how to do it and how to get antispy software. It is my goal in life to out as many of you as I can. I am one of the lucky ones who tested negative over the past 12 months for stds, but many aren’t. Meanwhile my ex is still playing the world dating unsuspecting women under the guise of being hetero. It is disgusting and dishonest.

    • Patricia
      One problem (an not the only one) of the lifestyle you critique is that it seems that many of these men can’t/don’t think of themselves as homosexual – just as men having sex with men. There has been research on this in New Zealand and it seems that these guys compartmentalise majorly. Consequently they don’t think about what they take to be gay diseases like AIDS, and have unprotected sex. “Why would I plan ahead and employ condoms – after all, its not as if I’m gay…I’m married!”
      Very dangerous for all concerned.

    • Hi Patricia…i am a married man. I love my wife. She is my second wife. We have four wonderful children aged 7-19. We love beingwith each other. In bed following the birth of my daughter 7 years ago there was basically no more sex, or only oral sex. She constantly forgot about taking her pill and said she did not want to have sex or was not aroused or interested. On average we had oral sex 2x a month and intercourse once every two months. I complained sometimes bitterly. And this seemed to make her less likely to want it. About 4 years ago I got interested in the idea of hiring call girls. Thos I have done occasionally in the last 4 years. Is is secretive and taboo, and this turns me on a bit. The sex is not as good as with my wife clearly…although some of these women play emotional, it is not believable. It costs a lot of money, and whem you want more unconventional sex, even more money. Most of these girls have lovely bodies and look better than my wife. But sex when i can have it with my wife is usually better. Sometimes I am nervous about remaining hard with a professional with a condom on. With my wife i do not have this issue. Sex is wonderful for me when my wife is alsi involved. Unfortunatly, often she wants to only please me with oral sex, and does not want oral sex, or oral sex is ok but intercourse is taboo.

      Over time i have become bored with professionals. Before I met my wife I had also had a couple of homsexual experiences. They were not overly satisfying and left me wondering. When i met my wife i told her that i had these experiences. She was ok with it. Over the last 8 years i have occasionally arranged meetings with anonymous men to experiment.

      What i have found is that the thought of having sex with a man is an occasional turn on. It remains so in my mind. However, I have tried different men, tried oral sex, anal sex, active and passive…occasionally even kissing or having threesomes.

      The net result is. I have realized it is mostly boring in reality. I only trust myself to be passive by anal sex because when i am active I fail to maintain an erection. The fantasy of the sex interests me. I am curious about all kinds of sexuality.

      My wife has chosen not to give or share sex with me. I have looked at professional women and bisexual/heterosexual or gay men as a practical way to meet my basic sexual needs. In times when my wife does want good sex, our sex changes then i can go very long without thinking of these other services.

      For me, it is impossible to imagine getting involved with an unmarried or god forbid married women. In these situations I would invariably become drawn into emotional relationships with suvh women. This thought scares me to death. To date in my marridge i have deliberatly avoided this. I want no part in it amd it does not turn me on at all. My wife on the other hand often flirts and engages in sexual emotion sharing with other men online. Perhaps she has also slept with some but she says no and i tend to beliebe it. She has no reason to hide it because she knows about my occadional trips to profis and swinger clubs with men.

      Now labels are everywhere about such behaviour. I imagine you would call me a monster. Maybe not. Gay men tend to call me a closet gay. Other men who enjoy sex with men and women call me bisexual. Still others say that i have not come to grips with my “latent gayness” and I am in denial.

      My own opinion is of course subjective. However the following things I know:

      I am not attracted physically to mens bodies or kissing them. Most of all having a friendship with both straight and gay men brings up no sense of chemical attraction at all. My opinion is thefore I am not homsexual. Secondly I have a high chemical attraction to many women in all shapes and form. If i could be involved with many of the women without the fear of falling into emotional comittment, or worse: obsession/ lust….then i would probably end up very unfaithful to my wife who I love very much.

      This makes me realize that i am not bisexual either.

      I have a physiological need to have regular sex. Masturbation does not fill on for sex, it can only complement it. Simply saying i am a monster seems pretty two dimensional. We live well with pur children. We dont want our kids toay the price of us divorcing because we have occasipnally sex on the side…me much more than my wife. As long as there is no emotional risk, our marrige can go on and perhaps thrive. I hope so… I think my wife does too. Time will tell, maybe I am wrapped up in justifying arguments. But who you have sex with can and often does have nothing to do with your true sexual orientation. I wish you a very nice eveming from here in Switzerland

      • Hi Tony, thanks for your candor. I know people who have open marraiges and swing many ways. I believe as two consenting adults, if that’s what your into, and everyone participating is open and honest, then go for it. My experience was not that. My ex was having secret sex outside our marraige, then coming home and having sex with me. We had a very active sex life and I would buy all sorts of toys and watch porn with him. (I don’t think you can fake ejaculation, so from my point of view he was satisfied. In 25 years with him, I may have said no to sex less than 5 times.) I knew when I found hundreds of chicks with dicks porn clips on his computer in 2004 something was not right. I confronted him immediately and he denied wanting or having sex outside the marraige with men or women for that matter. (He had an esculating porn addiction. If you go online you will find alot of men telling other men to put away the porn because it disconnects you from having any real emotional connections.) After 2004 I knew he had become a different person than the one I married. Over and over, year after year I asked if he was cheating and he said no. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said no, that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. He would plan romantic getaways for birthdays and holidays. He played the content husband all along. He continued to talk about our life plans and we even paid an architect to design our retirement home. I finally got him into marraige counseling and he denied that he ever cheated. It was only when I had proof from his Craigs lists emails and found his post that he admitted he had sex with men and it had been going on for “several years”. To me that is a MONSTER. I know your not asking for advice, but if you really love your wife, and you can both be honest, counseling may be the answer for you. Good luck.

  6. It doesnt justify the behavior. More women NEED TO KNOW what is going on.

    • I can’t imagine that you think I’m justifying this behaviour – I’m not and I don’t.

  7. I am very aware that my ex does not think he is gay. I believe it started with women and escalated in time due to over stimulation with his online porn obsession while he traveled on business. He also has underlying mental issues that have never been addressed. He developed “tinnittus” which is ringing in the ears several years ago. During marraige counseling I asked him to see a professional to find out if he has some psychological issue because I suspected his tinnittus was his brain telling him he had a problem. His brother and many family members on his mothers side have been diagnosed as psychofrenic. I believe this behavior is definitely related to some type of mental disorder and my ex has admitted that he cannot understand his behavior. There are some studies suggesting some forms of tinnittus may be related to psychofrenia. I have a plethera of hard facts and proof that he was having random sex with strange Men. He only admitted to getting 3 “blow jobs” from men outside of the state we lived in. I have suspected he was cheating as far back as 2004 when I found hundreds of “Chicks with Dicks” porn on his computer. Back then, I was freaked out and I asked if he was gay and/or cheating. He denied it, actually made light and laughed about it by saying he was bored in his hotel, as he frequently traveled for business and it was something different to look at. Over the years there were more signs. When I found proof positive in January 2011, he minimalized and rationalized his behavior. We were having sex regularly until near the end when he completely pulled away and we seperated. We did go to marraige conseling for many months, but you cannot fix a marraige with someone who cannot be honest, no matter what the underlying reason. The fact that I knew something had changed caused me to confront him many times over the years and I gave him every opportunity to end the relationship. He blamed his pulling away from me on the tinnittus and continually denied he was cheating, claimed he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. So I do agree he was highly developed at compartmentalizing his secret life and at that point the marraige is irrepairable once the secret is out. I have moved across the country since divorcing, but have found out he has been dating women and now seeing a widower. My heart goes out to these innocent women, who could never imagine in a million years what is actually going on with these men. I am just hoping to bring awareness to women. At least there are resources online and again, women need to be more aware that this behavior is more prevalent than ever. I was lucky to get out (especially with not STD’s thank God) even though half my life was spent with this person.

    • Patricia:

      I am a gay male, and as a gay male who in what would seem to be another life have witness my fair share of girating wedding rings (sorry but that’s the nicest way I can put it) and here’s what I’m going to tell you:

      Based on what you’ve said, you are extremely angry about this and are in a very illogical way trying to assign some sort of complicated scenarios to the situation so that it’s all his fault, and that you are the victim with nothing in between FULL STOP.

      It doesn’t work that way. First of all I guarantee you that if someone truely unprejuduce were to pick apart the relationship, you’d find that you were BOTH responsible for the failure of the marriage. It always, 100% of the time takes 2 to tango my dear and the days of women being innocent of all wrongs when it comes to the failure of a relationship are long gone. Mental illness because of tinnitus? Only a severely mis-guided, uneducation person would buy into that. Tinnitus alone is NOT an indicator of mental illness. You can’t just say he has “mental illness” because you don’t like the fact that he frequently puts his mouth on penis. That’s foolishness.

      Why is he doing what he is doing? It’s highly likely he was doing it because he simply likes having sex with men. Period. Simple as that. I don’t buy into the argument that men have sex with men because of some emotional need unfulfilled in the marriage…nope…sorry…that’s not how men work. Try to look at it this way…I am gay…I have NEVER been able to maintain a stable relationship because people are just too wacked and I’m too picky. So…do I suddenly feel the urge to go have sex with women? Ew. No. Put it away. V is not for me. It wouldn’t come up if you presented that to me. And the SAME THING applies to straight men. Straight men don’t get a boner when they see another penis, or some hot pecks, or that hairy arse. If they do, it means they’re actually ATTRACTED to it!

      What I would suggest is that you simply let it go and move on. It didn’t work out, and that’s that! The end! Just forget about it! Why should you forget about it? Because you’re never going to be happy until you do. Just trade the anger in for the sadness (which is actually what it is)…settle with the fact that 50% of marriages fail, you’re not alone…and perhaps you’ll do better next time! You owe it to yourself to be happy…so for the love of god be happy. Life is too short to be fretting about your ex-husband who cheated on you. If he didn’t want you…fine, his loss. And if you made some mistakes which might have led to the problem…good! Because if you didn’t make mistakes you wouldn’t be human. Trying to pretend you DIDN’T make any is the unhuman part.

      Get a new husband. Get yourself some new penis. Be happy.

      • For someone to cheat and lie for 25 years would make anyone angry. Obviously you have never had any long term relationships, so you can’t wrap your head around someone stealing 25 years of your life. As a consequence you have no idea of how it feels. Yes, he IS OBVIOUSLY GAY. But guess what, he is still PRETENDING to be straight and he will continue to do so till the day he dies. I did not MAKE HIM GAY or CHEAT or LIE. The only mistake I made was in having the misfortune of meeting him and believing his continual lies. His brother, sister and several family members are diagnosed psychofrenics. No normal functioning human lives dual lives. So you should stop justifying you and your peers behaviors by putting blame on the destruction of the innocent lives of children, men and women, who were NEVER GIVEN the facts to make a choice. Living honestly is the answer. I have joined Straightwives.com and I am healing. Too bad there wasn’t an Callous Gay Lechers Group for you and your ilk to join. Condoning and making excuses for this behavior is never justifiable. It is my bet, you must be one of the most unhappy people on this earth. Save the relationship advice for yourself. You need it more than I do!

      • Interesting replys here. As for the guy being gay we do not know what is going on in this mans head to judge. Many heterosexual men have been sexually abused and reenact situations because of some stressful trigger in there life. So men can actually seem like there bi/gay with other men but they are trying to resolve an emotional conflict. As for patricia i support you telling as many woman as you can because most of these men seriously know what they are doing and its just not fair or safe for them to not know. I really cannot believe that a lot of gay men and other men think its ok to just play with someone while they are married they justify things like its not cheating because it with a man not a woman. get real i have dated 3 married men in my life and have told all of there wives about this shit because of there attitude towards me and sex. i also got studs from 2 of them andy the third one would let anybody give him anal sex so i thought it was my duty to feel there wives about this shit. i am a gay man.

      • Thank you John for living honestly and doing the right thing. You are truly a gentleman and I hope you inspire anyone else reading this to be their true selves. God Bless You!

    • Patricia, this has also happened to me. I also feel the need to educate people. Wish we could talk to each other.

      • Robin, if you go to Straightwives.com and join Bonnie Kayes group I can find you there.

  8. my husband of 25 years was caught recieving oral sex from a 75 year old man he was charged with lewd wanton and lasivious behavior . he has always prefered oral sex with me . i question his sexuality because he has always looked at straight porn . he is also suffering from major depression . and has said that he has not been him self . my gay friends have said that because he did this doesnt mean he is gay maybe he just wanted a quick fix ??? i dont want to believe he is gay . therapist have said he may have been just in a mania moment could he be straight and have really done this ? i am so confused he was recently diagnosed as bipolar 2 and now on alot of medication i wonder if now he will be able to function both mentally and sexually as the man i had thought i had always known ? i always believed he was bipolar but he would never admitt it until this recent arrest and him just being out of controll now that he is properly medicated he is so plesent to be with but keep questioning his true sexuality gay ? straight ?? or bi ?? anyone have any real answers B. G.( 7-15-12`)

    • So sorry to hear it. I highly recommend you join Straightwives.com headed by Bonnie Kaye. Once you hear the stories and talk with the other women in our situation, you will be able to see clearly. No one wants to beleive their husband is gay. Medication does not make a man have sex with another man. Sadly, he is gay (the label BI really doesn’t matter unless you don’t care if he has sex with men) and the sooner you get out the better. Do you really want to waste anymore time in a relationship with someone who wants to have sex with men? If you look around on his computer, cell phone or get some spyware, I am sure you will get the additonal proof you need. I urge you to join. She has an online chat every Sunday night at 9:05pm, but you need to go thru her to join. Please do it, the sooner the better. Take Care, Patricia.

    • Going back to my comment from this summer my husband did get caught receiving oral sex with a man 30 years older than him . After being caught he was suicidal and hospitalized for almost 3 weeks
      Impatient then placed in a day program for almost 4 months He is still in denial about what he did But unfortunately I believe he is as guilty as sin due to his behavior following the arrest .. He was diagnosed bipolar 2 and numerous therapist have said he was having a mania moment due to the bipolar and he was under a lot of stress due to a job loss and being unable to find work. But for years our sex life sucked part of me wonders if his mental health issues played a part in our strained sex life or is he really GAY ? He seems so embarrassed about his actions he don’t want to come out in public where ppl know him and know what he did HELP what do you think

      • So sorry to hear it Brigid. You are in a difficult situation and only you can decide if you want to continue in your marraige with a big question mark hanging over your head. I can only repeat the advice given before, which is to get involved with Straightwives.com headed by Bonnie Kaye. You will be able to communicate with other women in your shoes and hear real stories of women like yourself. This group of brave women can help support you no matter what you decide. I wish you the best.

    • Lived it girl. the mood swings is because he is trying to fight the urges. Bipolar-Medication will affect his sex drive. (so he will say) then they will change it to OCD and OPD it all is a connections to the secret life they live. Hell yeah i would be depressed as well if I was living a secret live for 25 years.

  9. I read this article and then the reply’s and I think my husband may have been one of the earlier reply’s- if not the situation and timing are right on. My husband and I have been married 20 years in June. We married young and my husband was my first love and sexual experience. I was his second. After having our 2 children in my mid 20’s my husband and I both worked a lot and spent little to no quality time together it was about the kids, the house the bills. I tried to initiate sex, cuddle or whatever and he was always stressed and tired. A man 11 at my work began to shower me with attention, later affection and I had an affair. I ended the affair because I truly love my husband I just wanted that attention, appreciation and excitement. My lover became enraged that I’d ended the affair, threatened to call my husband & tell him everything if I didn’t agree to see him…I told him to drop dead basically. Well he did call my husband and told him about the affair but he also “colored” things a bit to make it seem more like I was in love with him and he with me…I begged my husbands’ forgiveness and told him the real story. He didn’t divorce me, said he loved me and wanted to work things out. Fast forward 13 years (June 2012) and my husband has gone through serious bouts of depression, withdrawal, and even anger. Our sex life over the years has waxed/waned going sometimes up to 6 mo. without having sex and what we did have had little to no affection. He would not kiss me or really even touch me above the waist. He never performs oral sex on me, said he’s never liked it. In May after our daughter’s 16th birthday he became very depressed and seemed as if he were in a dark hole. EVERYONE saw it. He began to scream and curse at me constantly, didn’t even say hello when he came home –he would say “did you even wash any F*cking clothes?” (I work full time too btw) I couldn’t take anymore and wrote him a long letter about the marriage and his behavior have become so aggressive, that I love him and want him to be happy and healthy and he clearly wasn’t. I told him I didn’t want a divorce but it seemed that was necessary because he didn’t want to be with me or the family. I begged him to open up to me regardless because I saw him drowning inside himself. WAM- he wrote me a letter he read to me where he described being sexually abused by a neighbor from age 5-11. His parents were never home, he was the youngest and his siblings were out of the house and he was ignored and felt unwanted. This pedophile showered him with gifts, they played games and spent lots of time together on a daily basis. The offender was about 13 years older than him. He thought this was how ppl showed love/affection until at last a friend from school came over to play and the abuse began in front of him. He freaked out, called them both names and went to school the next day telling ppl my husband was gay, a faggot, queer….you name it. It was the first time he realized what was going on wasn’t right or socially acceptable. Until then he had began to come to the abusers house seeking that comfort and familiar feeling. He never told anyone and never sought help. He’s had sexual desires toward men since on some level BUT after my affair he felt broken, abandoned, unwanted (like he did as a child) and sought out gay sex online. It began as very mild encounters with a few ppl but culminated into a long time “f*ck buddy” who was also married and they met up over period of years. Most ppl will read this and say “so you’re divorced now, right?” No. Will we? I don’t know. I held his hands as he broke down and all the pain, lies, guilt and everything else poured out of him. I told him how hurt I am by his betrayal and the length of time its gone on. I also promised not to ruin his life like the kid did back then (he lost all his friends and school was terrible from then on) and to see to it that he got help finally. Yes I did tell him that I cannot be married to a gay man. He said he isn’t gay, he sought out the comfort in the beginning and then he didn’t know why he kept going back…he felt dirty, guilty etc. He was suicidal. Interestingly enough is the comment in the article about abused men seeking out “punishment” and becoming submissive. My husband was the “bottom” or submissive one and the men were always older. He is getting counseling, doesn’t want a divorce and has really come a long way emotionally. He laughs, plays with the dog and the kids…things he’s not done in years. Do I trust him, not totally, will our marriage make it? I don’t know. I do know that we share a very deep love and genuinely care for each other so even if we divorce because he discovers or accepts that he’s gay then we will be friends. His cheating and years of neglecting me hurt me deeply but I still doubt it measured up the way he’s felt for 30 years inside. I’m not afraid to leave him its not about that. Its about an unconditional love I have for him. Married or not he’s the father of my children and will always be the love of my life. Our kids need a happy/healthy dad…they don’t care who he prefers in bed.
    As for me…our relationship is mending on many levels. Emotionally we seem so much more connected than before. Only time will tell. I make no promises about the future only to take care of myself and help help him move forward.

    • Wish you the best and if you need support, please go to the website Straightwives.com. It changed my life after I divorced my closeted gay husband. If nothing else, you will have a place you can share with understanding women who have walked in your shoes. God Bess!

  10. Interesting subject here. The new “theory” in psychology is that men are straight and have sex with men because of trauma/abuse somewhere in childhood. Although this is a plausable subject many men seem to jump on this as the reason they act out. In all reality if a man plans and enjoys the sex he seeks the orientation would be bi/gay. I was with a man such as this. After the death of his son he acted out with men loved to be submissive and didnt care who it was. but after learning more about this man he said he “loved” the sex called me “sexy,hot,etc..) and fantisized not only about one guy but 2 or more at a time. He had kept me around weekly for 4 years because I was “safe”. He also would kiss intimately but with out passion. This man wanted nothing to do with me but sex we never talked on the phone only text to hookup. To the married woman on here who read this if you find out your husband is one of these type of men its a hard thing to change. Therapy is helpful but these guys will always have this urge in there head even if these men tell all and break down to you they can never be trusted they only option is an open relationship or divorce.

    • I agree 100%. These men are called Straight Gay’s. They don’t connect emotionally with women or men, just in it for the sex period.

  11. I am so relieved to find this site. I met my husband when I was 16 and married at 17, that was 42 (yes 42!) years ago. 3 weeks ago he cried and confessed that for the first 30 years of our marriage he fantasised and used sex toys on himself, then for the past 10 years he has been having unprotected gay sex, oral and anal.
    I don’t know where to turn or what to do, I am devastated. I went straight to the clinic and thankfully all tests proved negative, I made him go and he was clear too. My doctor has given me some pills to help calm me.
    Now what? All I know is that I love him. He told me he was abused by a family member when he was 13. He says he does not feel gay deep down but he loves the thrill of gay sex, he has had a regular oral partner for six years but they don’t know each others names and don’t particularly communicate, the others are opportunistic thrills.
    The clinic we went to are organising therapy for him. He says that part of his life had nothing to do with me and our family.
    I feel like my past means nothing and I have no future. I have no-one I can tell except my GP and I know I am trapped because we have such a beautiful little family (including grandchildren) and there is absolutely no way I would break their hearts with this knowledge. So I will play my part and pretend for ever. I am 59 years old.
    We used to have an amazing sex life and were very adventurous, but it waned about 20 years ago to fairly predictable sex every 2 or 3 months down to maybe twice a year in the last 10 years – he blamed his diabetes for erection problems but now tells me he didn’t have problems with men.
    He is distraught, begging me to stay with him and promising he will never do it again, I don’t know what to do or think, I need a hug so badly but there is no one I can tell, and yet I still love him so much – we’ve had many tragedies and yet so many good times – HELP

    • I wish I could reach out and hug you right now! I don’t know you but I know exactly how you feel. I have been struggling with this knowledge for year and half. My story is posted on here. I too love my husband and don’t necessarily want to throw everything away. My husband too, was sexually abused. He has stated the same types of things your husband has said to you, he doesn’t really feel like he’s gay. He too says that he feels that his desires come from the abuse and he does specifically act out the types of things that he was forced to do. I am unsure if my husband has been faithful in recent months but I do know that as of 13 months ago I found information contrary to that. I nearly divorced him then, he begged me not to and I promised only that I would give him enough time for our daughter to graduate high school which is this year. I can tell you that the pain you feel does not go away. It changes and some days it doesn’t almost hurt at all. Then you wake up one morning and Wham! It feels like it all just happened again and you’re left wondering why in the hell you’re putting up with this. You must not allow yourself to suffer in silence and you must understand that there are a lot of us out there. I have never been a feminist but I can tell you that I have done my own research through this process and the amount of men who are really having sex with men is staggering. I’ve reached the point where I’ve nearly lost all respect for men. I too was sexually abused as a child I do not however use that as an excuse to have sex with anonymous people. Somewhere someone has got to be held accountable. No one can tell you what to do and everyone you talk to will give you a different opinion believe me I know! I am not giving you any advice on what you should do about your future I am simply telling you that no matter what you do it hurts like hell. The only advice I will give you is get help for yourself and take care of yourself and if you’re going to have a relationship with him sexually make him wear a condom! I will also tell you that statistically and from personal experience they never totally stop hooking up. It’s just too easy.

      • Hi Alison,

        There is a support group that changed my life call Straight Wives. It is run by Bonnie Kaye who is an author of many books on the subject. She has a radio blog show every Sunday night, online chat groups three times a week and healing retreats twice a year. Just email her at: bonkaye@aol.com and she will respond. You need to figure out if this is the kind of life you want to live. And I agree with Marilyn, there is very little chance that he will ever change. Do you want to live you life wondering everytime he is out of site, what he is doing?

        Good luck and please contact Bonnie.

        Patricia McCarthy

  12. I have been married for 44 years….The police caught my husband getting oral sex from a man……they ticketed him and he had to appear in court. I was totally devastated. I have done everything in my power to please him and he turns to men……it is his issue now…..I am done.

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