The non-sexual marriage #4. Married men who have sex with men

Married men who have sex with men – they’re gay, right? No so fast.

This post is the final in a series on non-sexual marriage. Strictly-speaking today’s topic is on the edge of the the main theme because some married men who have sex with men still have a sexual relationship with their wives. However, the matter is so complex and so often does accompany the non-sexual marriage that I’ll discuss it here.

An attempt at clarity
I’m not discussing men who are in an asexual marriage. Nor am I discussing married men who are homosexual – either closeted or unconscious).

The fact that I have argued for a category of unconscious homosexualtiy makes matters very tricky and blurry here: is the man straight or is he actually an unconscious homosexual? Each person can only be considered independently, but that’s why I have not subsumed this post under the one on homosexuals in marriage. (One ‘test’ a man might use to bring some clarity for himself is: Do I imagine/fantasise about having a proper relationship with a man, or don’t I?)

There’s the possibility, I guess, that the married man could be bisexual but I’m not going to make things even more complex here. Only to say that some people think that ‘so-called bisexuals’ are actually gays who can’t face up to it; some think that ‘bisexuals’ are the kind of people I’m discussing today – actually straight but have sex with men.)

I’m talking about married men who are straight and who more or less often engage in sex with men.

Larry Craig
By now every one has heard of the case of Senator Larry Craig who pleaded guilty to crusing an undercover cop in an airport men’s room, only to withdraw that plea saying, “I am not gay. I never have been gay.”

OK, the man is a politician so he may be out-and-out lying (i.e. he’s a closet gay). Or he may be lying to himself (i.e. he’s an unconscious homosexual). But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that he’s telling the truth. He is not gay and he has sex with men.

Wha’ happens?
It is surprisingly common, psychotherapists will tell you, for straight men to cruise public toilets, attend gay anonymous sex venues, etc. As the public now knows, there are all kinds of secret protocols and signs and places for anonymous, one-off sexual encounters.

Indeed, women are generally amazed that men actually do frequent (as opposed to fantasise about) sex-on-site venues which are pitch dark and where verbal interaction is actively discouraged – just sex. (It gives new meaning to the term ‘manhandling’!) Men, on the other hand, might disapprove, never do such a thing themselves, but they do understand it.

Safe sex
By the way, safe sex is not really possible at such a place. Even if man A wears a condom, man B who grabs him in the dark might not.

The lives – not just the marriages – of the wives of married men who have sex with men are at stake. Ostensibly straight men are vulnerable to picking up sexual diseases not because they have sex as often with risky partners as do many gay men, but because their denial of what they’re up to makes it unlikely that they’ll take precautions.

What’s that about?
There are several scenarios and rationalisations. If ever they do discuss their actions these men produce ‘good reasons’: sexually frustrated in the marriage, cheaper than a prostitute, uncomplicated, easy…. It is important to see that these are rationalisations: cover-stories for deeper psychological issues.

Given the enormous risks he is taking one can appreciate just how insurmountable the emotions must seem to him. (Of course the risk of being discovered may be the point – ‘If this comes out it will ‘solve’ my current problems by making a different problem for me’.)

Here’s just one way it goes
A man has an emotional problem; he’s anxious, bored, guilty, ashamed, angry, upset, fiancial worries…. Instead of dealing with that problem, he temporarily soothes himself by having anonymous sex with a man. (Other people might soothe themselves with food, a drink, masturbating, etc.)

But he’s not soothed for long. Now he has a new emotional problem – he’s disgusted with himself, he’s frightened by how out of control he is, he is guilty and ashamed.

How to ‘deal’ with this new problem? Have anonymous sex with a man! If it wasn’t like this before, the sex now is valued in particular for its domination/submission. Why? Someone who is guilty/ashamed must be punished/humiliated, so he is the submissive partner. (Or reverses the roles and dominates the other.)

Now he’s really getting himself into a fix. The internal emotional pressure builds – doubt, self-loathing, guilt, shame, and (let’s not forget) excitement, etc. Matters seem insoluble. He is more and more driven to do exactly what is – if not causing – exacerbating his problems.

The danger and duplicity become part of the whole. ‘I am duplicitous because I’m a bad person.’ ‘I undertake risky acts because I’m bad and deserve to be caught and humiliated.’

Meanwhile, what is happening in the marriage?
Things are not right. The sexual realtionship has probably all but ceased because of his emotional knots and confusion and because she picks up that something’s amiss. (The sexual relationship may come and go in sync with the waxing and waning of his visits to the toilets.)

Or maybe the sexual relationship continues as before. Assuming that you agree with me that this marriage is ill, in a way the marriage furthest away from repair is this one where sex continues- because his ability to compartmentalise is so highly developed.

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